VENTASTIC

by Men With Ven

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about

Three men and nearly as many chords, on the road from Barking to Deptford.

Telling it the way it is, in pubs and markets, treading the highway and the sticky carpet.

credits

released September 28, 2015

Produced by David Barratt at The Abattoir Of Good Taste
Written and performed by Barratt, Clift & Marsh


Logo design: Gary Brady
Photo: www.CjansenPhotography.com

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license

all rights reserved

about

Men With Ven London, UK

Welcome to the apocalyptic knees up at the end of the world.

Three men and nearly as many chords, on the road from Barking to Deptford. Telling it the way it is, in pubs and markets, treading the highway and the sticky carpet.

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Track Name: Check Your Prostate
Hello, This is a public service announcement from Men With Ven.
We’re not trying to worry you but y’know you need to look out for yourself, So here’s a bit of advice.

Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t bother wait, don’t leave it to fate.

A man’s prostate is about the size of a walnut.
It surrounds the tube that carries urine from the bladder.
Prostate fluid nourishes and protects sperm and forms the bulk of ejaculate volume.
However, if something goes wrong with the prostate it can effect a mans sex life, his long term health and can cause insurmountable medical complications;.

Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t bother wait, don’t leave it to fate.

If you have a trusted and willing partner prostate self exams are very simple to perform.
You just insert a finger into your rectum, bend the finger towards the belly button and you should be able to feel a lump that is similar in texture and and firmness to that of the flesh between your thumb and rest of your hand when you make a tight fist.

Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t bother wait, don’t leave it to fate.
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t bother wait, don’t leave it to fate.

Good morning Dr. Percival will see you now….

Please Dr. Percival
Is your prognosis the worst of all?
Does it feel like a bowling ball?
or can I go to the carnival?

Check your prostate
Check your prostate
Get your partner to help you out
Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
you might even find out something new about y’selves
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Go check your prostate
Go check your prostate
Sooner the better.

Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Don’t bother wait, don’t bother wait
Don’t worry mate, don’t hesitate
Don’t bother wait, don’t leave it to fate.
Just wash your hands afterwards though eh?
Track Name: Down The Shed
Down the shed
Down the shed
You’ll always see me smiling when I’m down the shed
Let’s go
Down the shed
Down the shed
A man is truly happy when he’s down the shed

I really am, I really am happy down there y’know?
It’s a little wooden piece of heaven

I put on the kettle, played some heavy metal
I made a coffee table for me Auntie Mabel
(very thoughtful Carl)
I watched Stoke vs. Leeds on a dodgy feed
I had a game of snap and took a well deserved nap

I got down and dirty with Squirty Gurty
Having toast for lunch, breakfast, brunch
I cut Bowie’s hair in this very chair
Me and me mate Glen grovin’ to Men With Ven

Down the shed
Down the shed
You’ll always see me smiling when I’m down the shed
(It’s what you’ve worked for all your life)
Down the shed
Down the shed
A man is truly happy when he’s down the shed

An Englishman’s home may be castle
But his shed is a self contained universe
Apparently bound by four wooden walls and a decent padlock
But metaphysically holding all the mystery of human existence

It was there I fell heavily in love with Tom Cleverly
I made a fresh brew - Do you want some too?
I built a rabbit hutch…. Thankyouverrrymuch
I planned a little pub crawl with Matt Percival

Down the shed
Down the shed
You’ll always see me smiling when I’m down the shed
(Funnily enough I don’t get a phone signal down the shed)
Down the shed
Down the shed
A man is truly happy when he’s down the shed

Uma Thurman taught me german down the shed
I worked on me Harley with Salvador Dali down the shed
I told The Missus I’m working but really I’m shirking down the shed
I burnt off my warts as I watched Sky Sports
Had some cheese and pickle and some slap and tickle
Peace, Happiness, Love - it’s all about that down the shed
The hedgehogs and the mice all agree it’s very nice down the shed
Only fifty square feet but it’s the envy of the street down the shed
I put up a shelf all by myself
Down the shed
Track Name: You Got Me There (Featuring Mrs. Carl)
On our 5th anniversary you bought me a dust buster for the kitchen units (oh yeah…)
Then a food processor (yep)
Not good (really?)
Then a mower (lovely)
Why? (well it’s not going to mow itself is it?)
A mat to kneel on when gardening (it was top of the range)
And a coffee machine that only you use (oh the coffee machine yeahhh)

(Oh Darling,
You know I love ya
I love to buy you pretty things
From Argos...
On offer...
With coupons..)

When are you going to grow up?
Whenever you walk into a room you move because I know you’ve been sat there drinking beer for far to long.
(Well where do you want me to drink it then really?)

When are you going to grow up?
You don’t clear up your dirty washing. When are you going to start ironing and walking the dog and go to work?
(i’m self-employed)

When are you going to grow up?
Every time you go out with Dave and Bill the beer cans are still in the living room and the pizza’s on the floor and the dogs been bloody sick
(Well, he don’t like chillis)

When are you going to grow up?
The lawn does need moving and the towels need folding and stop pinching my friends bottoms!

Y’got me there
Y’got me there
I won’t do it again I promise I swear
I never should have said I had nothing to declare
You really got me there

Y’got me there
Y’got me there
I bought y’ sister sexy underwear
I called your mother a slag and I thought you wouldn’t care
You really got me there

When are you going to grow up?

(well alright, you’ve got a point.. )
Mm hm..
(I made a few mistakes)
A few?
(fair enough)
(I think we should have a quiet night in)
Ahh.. That would be nice
(…watch The Great British Bake Off)
Oh Lovely…
(and maybe)
What?
(Y’know… bake a cake)
Yes!
(If you know what I mean)
mmm… I think i do
Track Name: Whitstable
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
Incredible
A spectacle
The people are hospitable
their love - unconditional
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
The joy you feel perpetual
To leave would be unthinkable
WHITSTABLE

My mate Jack
Had a panic attack
His doctor was a quack
Proscribed him Prozac
Jack said “Ewww”
No thank you
“I’m gonna take my motor
All the way down the A2”

Whitstable
Say Whitstable
It’s mystical
Biblical
The women are dependable
The men delectable
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
The joy you feel perpetual
To leave would be unthinkable
WHITSTABLE

Now Jack feels grand
Dancing in the sand
He often drinks with Bill
At The Duke Of Cumberland
I heard Peggy Mount
And 50Cent
Scored a bargain down The Pound Shop
and finished off at Whites Of Kent

Whitstable
Say Whitstable
Incredible
A spectacle
I’ve heard the beer drinkable
Happiness plentiful
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
The joy you feel perpetual
To leave would be unthinkable
WHITSTABLE

Down The Bubble
Down The Bubble
Down The Bubble

Whitstable has been home to many famous people.
Peter Cushing, Henry Kissinger, Russ Conway,
even Matt Percival has been spotted on several occasions.
George Orwell visited Whitstable’s first Mermaid Brothel - The Happy Finnish.
It closed ironically in 1984

Whitstable
Say Whitstable
Incredible
A spectacle
The people are hospitable
their love - unconditional
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
The joy you feel perpetual
To leave would be unthinkable
WHITSTABLE

Whitstable
Say Whitstable
It’s mystical
Biblical
The women are dependable
The men delectable
Whitstable
Say Whitstable
The joy you feel perpetual
To leave would be unthinkable
WHITSTABLE
Track Name: The Worst Christmas Ever
Grandma lost her teeth
She was blowing the trombone
She found it a skip
As she was walking home
Dad went to pick her up
But one of his tyres was flat
Mum got so distracted
She tumble dried the cat


Then the Christmas tree caugh fire
The presents went up in smoke
We couldn’t buy another thing
Cos we were stony broke
Me mum said it’s the thought that counts
Aunty Val began to blub
So Uncle Keith said, ‘blow this!
I’m going down the pub.’

It was the worst Christmas ever
No turkey, no crackers, no beer
It was the worst Christmas ever
Since last year
 
The tropical fish were boiled alive
The dog pissed on the twiglets
Instead of stuffing in the bird
Me mum left in the giblets
The sherry was like vinegar
The gin was more like bleach
Grandad sang the ‘The Red Flag’
And ruined the Queens Speech

The neighbors had gone away
On holiday to Crete
But they left a CD of Susan Boyle
Playing on repeat
Our sister Mary and her kids
Drove us up the wall
The dog ate some of Granddad's pills
And pebble dashed the hall 

It was the worst Christmas ever
No turkey no crackers no beer
It was the worst Christmas ever
Since last year
It was the worst Christmas ever
A lot of grief and not a drop of good cheer
It was the worst Christmas ever
Until next year

The heating, the telly
The fridge all went on the blink
And Uncle Keith got off his face
And puked Mary’s mink
So auntie threw the gravy boat
All over Uncle Keith
We cut into the Christmas pud
And there were Grandma’s teeth

It was the worst Christmas ever
No turkey no crackers no beer
It was the worst Christmas ever
Since last year

It was the worst Christmas ever
A lot of grief and not a drop of good cheer
It was the worst Christmas ever
Since last year
Until next year
Same every year

Happy new year.