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songs from DRIVING FROM BARKING TO DEPTFORD

by Men With Ven

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1.
MO I'm talking about the three mates called Bill, Dave & Carl as I would say. BIILL Driving from Barking to Deptford. MO Bill, Dave & Carl. Seven times rise. Seven times fall. I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl... BIILL Driving from Barking to Deptford. Fill up the van and turn the key. Will she start - no guarantee All for one and one for three Driving from Barking to Deptford We call our van Gloria In her we've been near and far She's a four wheeled, five geared superstar Driving from Barking to Deptford MO Driving all the way down from Barking to Deptford. All the dark clouds and mysterious things all around. Bill, Dave & Carl. Seven times rise. Seven times fall. I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl... BIILL Driving from Barking to Deptford The Blackwall Tunnel is a scary place Not a place you want to show your face Better go tooled up just incase Driving from Barking to Deptford MO Yeah - driving down the road - the three of them Yeah talking bout Bill, Dave & Carl. Bill, Dave & Carl. Seven times rise. Seven times fall. I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl... BIILL Driving from Barking to Deptford MO Bill, Dave & Carl. Seven times rise. Seven times fall. I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl... BIILL Driving from Barking to Deptford
2.
The Code 03:30
DAVE Men With Ven live by the code. We live in the world but we are not of it. Our journey from Barking to Deptford is everyones journey ... Going out day after day. Doing their best to make a crust of bread. Facing obstructions, barriers, blockages & booby-traps, often constructed by ourselves. But we dismantle them We demolish them. We march on. Men With Ven live by the code. Become the code. Are the code everyday. It is the very core of who we are. CHANCE The core? DAVE The Code. CHANCE What is it? DAVE Never grass - End of. Always respect ya mother ...and never show the back of your dry hand anyone of the superior sex. Never on no occasion talk to The Old Bill… Unless it involves nonces of course. Always watch your mates back And a real mate will always watch yours. Never lend more than you are willing to lose. Love many trust few & always paddle your own canoe. If in doubt chuck it in the canal. Walk (or bowl along) with your shoulders back - smartly dressed. You may be skint but your pride has no price. Keep a 20 in your sock - just incase. And finally… Always respect your van ...without her you are a pedestrian. A code laugh by A code to cry by A code to live by A code to die by The Code. A code laugh by A code to cry by A code to live by A code to die by The Code The Code My Dad gave it to me. The Code His Dad gave it to him. The Code And now it’s yours. The Code Walk your own path son... you know the way.
3.
BILL I thought that time had peeled away The feelings I once had But seeing you again it’s clear Nothing could stop me in a billion years The snow in Greenwich Park disappears But you make sure my heart keeps melting THE MISSUS No one knows how deep this goes I lock it up inside THE MISSUS & BILL It’s just sometimes the past unwinds BILL And nothing can hide the longing in my eyes THE MISSUS & BILL The snow in Greenwich Park disappears THE MISSUS But you make sure my heart keeps melting BILL & THE MISSUS You make sure my heart keeps melting
4.
FREIDA All they have are their base desires which if they are not controlled will destroy them. Reward - punishment, punishment , reward. Oh the little loves. You’ve got to protect them from themselves haven’t you? Well, we all need a bit of guidance, sometimes a bit of encouragement. It might be a whisper in your shell like... It might be a short sharp shock. Oh you’ve got to break an egg to make an omelette You have to break a leg before it mends Hacking back a hedge is bound to make it grow If your teeth need extracting I’m the first to have a go Not only can I lead a horse to water You better believe I can force the bugger to drink Well you gotta break a couple of eggs To make a tasty omelette And I don’t give a monkey’s what you think Im like a personal trainer delivering personal justice personally Occasionally you have to set examples It’s the only language they will understand The greater good is served When you keep them in their place Sometimes you have to leave a scar Upon somebodies face And if you have to kill a family member In front of all their rotten screaming brats Well you gotta break a couple of eggs To make a tasty omelette It’s that simple and you’ve got to face the facts When a cuddle just ain’t working try a smack Do as your told, everyone’s happy, that is that.
5.
DAVE We’re going Deptford Market You ain’t seen nothing like it Leave the van There’s nowhere left to park it BILL DAVE & CARL They’re rolling out the carpet So come and fill your basket Bring your Nan We’re going Deptford Market BILL Car parts, Chicken hearts Golf clubs and lightweight darts CARL Mobile phones. DAVE Dinosaur bones. BILL A duffle coat and some Ice cream cones. ZOROASTRIAN PRIESTS Baked beans, fruit machines. DAVE A brand new reconditioned M16 MO Mangos, pears and nanny goats DAVE Slightly used GLORIA Ten pound notes BILL Prayer rugs and Royal Wedding Mugs CATHOLIC NUN A lovely pair of Toby Jugs BILL Tiddlywinks and Cava, full strength lager A jar of piccalilli and... BUDDHIST NUN Shoes by Prada BILL DAVE & CARL Going Deptford Market You ain’t seen nothing like it Leave the van There’s nowhere left to park it They’re rolling out the carpet So come and fill your basket Bring your nan We’re going Deptford Market BILL Zip drives, Stanley knives DVD's of Dave's ex-wives Rubber ducks, pork chops, Dental floss All kinds of chrimatistikos BILL Lexapro, CARL & DAVE Diazepam BILL Klonopin, CARL & DAVE Ativan BILL DAVE & CARL Frigidaire BILL A dancing bear A pair of Carl's old underwear IMAMS Culture! BILL In a petri dish Funny looking frozen one pound fish. Sugar puffs and wing nuts, Fisticuffs and haircuts Come pick up a bargain Down here! HINDI CHOIR We’re going Deptford Market You ain’t seen nothing like it Leave the van There’s nowhere left to park it CATHOLIC CHOIR Going Deptford Market You ain’t seen nothing like it Bring your Nan We’re going Deptford Market EVERYONE We're all going mental We're all going mental We're all going mental We're all going mental We're all going mental We're all going mental We’re going Deptford Market. DAVE Westfield - My hairy arse.
6.
It's so hard being Dave So hard being Dave No one knows the pain of being Dave... Except Dave. To most people Dave is just another four letter word. Imagine the disappointment you felt when you realised that your parents lacked the imagination to name you anything but.... CHOIR Dave ahh... DAVE Do you know what is Dave worth on scrabble? Not much. Why is it in the pub when someone calls out "DAVE" They never mean me? The TV channel bearing my name only plays repeats. (Think about it) Carl once said: "The unbearable ubiquity of being Dave" What's that even mean? I do my best you know - I let people down but I do do my best. Bill & Carl don’t get me. I’ve no idea why they want to be my mates. It's so hard being Dave So very very hard to be Dave No one knows the pain of being Dave... Except Dave. CHOIR Dave ahh... Dave ahh... Dave ahh... Dave ahh...
7.
When I saw her Felt I knew her Maybe always And forever It’s the perfect Combination I'm so nervous She’s impatient She tore away every shred of doubt Lit the fire that will never burn out I’ll never whisper when I want to shout She showed me that... Life get better as it goes on You make it all up as it flows along Now she’s holding my hand in a parallel universe Life get better as it goes on Making up the words as you sing along Now she’s holding my hand in a parallel universe Now she’s holding my hand in a parallel universe I will always hold her hand in that parallel universe...
8.
Be There 01:54
ETHEL Be There Be there in the end I will be there On that you can depend I say a little prayer He could never comprehend But I will be there Be there in the end
9.
CARL Women are crazy Madder than a box of spiders. Nag nag nag When all I want to do is shut my eyes ETHEL Men are so stupid. They never grow up They’re down the pub Drinking not thinking Well there’s a big surprise. CARL Women are crazy. Why do they have to carry on Giving answers that are wrong, Asking questions that I can’t begin to fathom? ETHEL Men are so stupid, Think their silences are strong. It’s always been this way since Eve got stuck with Adam CARL Women are crazy. But I suppose that why I love you. You give me hope when I have given up on me. ETHEL Man you’re so stupid Come ‘ere hold me kiss me. Is it crazy to believe CARL & ETHEL This was meant to be?
10.
FREYA After this battle is won - And it will be won - We will seize our moment and it will be time to repay them with Ancient Justice. THE EINHEJAR (Massive cheering) FREYA I will remove the shackles of freedom that bind them. I will give them a simpler world where every man and woman knows their place. The time has come to destroy the hope that gives them pain. Who is stronger than hope? THE EINHEJAR Death. FREYA Who is stronger than the will? THE EINHEJAR Death FREYA Stronger than love? THE EINHEJAR Death. FREYA Stronger than life? THE EINHEJAR Death. FREYA But what is stronger than death? a moment of silence FREYA Me... evidently. The Einhejar Cheer THE EINHEJAR Yeahhhh!!!! THE EINHEJAR String ‘em up String ‘em up String ‘em up String ‘em up String ‘em up FREYA Crack dealers, Car stealers, Hoodie wearers , Faith healers, The blind. The weak. The dumb. The deaf Each and every TV Chef Chancers - Freelancers Morris dancers The rich the poor the in-between All will feel me vent my spleen Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Jews The blond girl reading evening news Those too fat - those too thin THE EINHEJAR But not Matt Percival - we like 'im FREYA Billionaires - Pola Bears That bloke standing over there But I beg you - most of all Ethel, Bill, Dave, Carl THE EINHEJAR String ‘em up String ‘em up String ‘em up String ‘em up String ‘em up FREYA You have to break an egg to make an omelette.
11.
DAVE Everything pisses him off CARL Everything? DAVE Yes. Everything. DAVE & CARL Everything pisses him off DAVE From the top of his head CARL To the tips of his toes DAVE The summer BILL Too hot CARL The winter BILL It snows DAVE Anything that you might propose DAVE & CARL Everything pisses him off. DAVE The football STREET CHORUS Pisses him off CARL The traffic STREET CHORUS Pisses him off DAVE The tax man STREET CHORUS Pisses him off CARL His postman STREET CHORUS Pisses him off CARL Goatees. DAVE Chick peas, STREET CHORUS Osteoporosis DAVE But most of all ME! DAVE & CARL Everything pisses him off BILL Have you had enough fun yet. DAVE Errr... No! DAVE & CARL Everything pisses him off. Everything pisses him off. DAVE Everything? CARL Yes. Everything. DAVE & CARL Everything pisses him off. CARL From the top of his head DAVE To the tips of his toes CARL Rainbows and rhinos and reality shows. DAVE Just about anything gets up his nose. CARL All pub games. BILL Not dominoes! DAVE Ask anyone CARL Everyone knows. DAVE & CARL Everything pisses him off.
12.
May The Road 02:37
GLORIA May the road rise up to meet you, May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, And may the hand of a friend always be near. May you know nothing but happiness May true be the hearts that love you. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
13.
GLORIA Approaching Blackwall tunnel No time remaining. Do not look at the clock. Time is infinite - neither an event nor a thing. BILL What is she going on about? DAVE I don't feel right Bill. GLORIA Time is not measurable nor travelable. It is a sensation. A judgement. DAVE I feel very wobbly CARL He must have heard you Bill. You know not to mention the “G” word.. DAVE (to himself) I was at Glastonbury once during the 2nd Gulf war. I was surrounded by what could only be termed as hippies... CARL It’s OK Dave… DAVE Old hippies. Young Hippies. Fat hippies. Thin hippies. Baby hippies in hippie buggies pushed by erect, overly nippled hippie mummies in hi-hugging trip hop skiffies. BILL Dave - Breathe into this paper bag and imagine you are on the beach at Southend! DAVE Yuppie hippies. Slap happy hippies. Non-Hippies disguised as hippies always smiling at other hippies. Stoned hippies eating hippie food made out of home made natural fibres, drowning in their own day- glow face paint, knitting solar panels out if their own organic poo. Millions and billions and zillions of hippies. CARL Calm down Dave - Try thinking about football. DAVE I was being sucked into a hippie black hole. BILL DAVE! DAVE..... DAVE I was in a hippie apocalypse. CARL There’s only two things that can calm him down when he gets like this. BILL & CARL (sung) Marijuana Bacon Marijuana And Marijuana and Bacon. BILL Carl, underneath the seat. Emergency joint. Spark it up. CARL Alright mate, I got it right here. BILL Dave, spark this fat boy up, smoke it and for God’s sake chill! CARL Pork’s what you need when you smoke that weed GLORIA Time is a matter of debate. How much time are you going to take? Hold on a minute.
14.
VIV/VIVIEN We’ve been many things Over space and time VIV A boxer VIVIEN A painter VIV A turtle VIVIEN A traitor VIV An oak VIVIEN A crusader VIV A father VIVIEN A failure VIV A drunk who’s lost his mind VIVIEN But the time come again VIV To reassign and redefine VIV/VIVIEN We will last forever So let’s pull ourselves together VIV/VIVIEN And be one VIVIEN What like get it together VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV More like be at one with ourselves VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV Make a fresh start VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV Y’know, back to basics VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV Like the water in the sea VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV Like the leaves on the tree VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIVIEN I know what we can be.. VIV What? VIVIEN Streptococcus Pyogenes VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV What’s that? VIVIEN A single cell amoeba VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV Ameb who? VIVIEN Y’know a bit of bacteria VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV Yeah that pretty basic VIV/VIVIEN Be one VIV I like it - Something to work from VIV/VIVIEN Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes And Be One Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes Be one Streptococcus Pyogenes And Be One
15.
ETHEL No Carl... DAVE Carl, what are you doing? BILL Just watch y’self will ya? ETHEL Watch out. ETHEL & DAVE Be careful ETHEL Carl - Behind you BILL Do you think he knows what he’s doing? WOW Wow.. Oh Carl... Oh my DAVE Oh my God. BILL Yeah, I think he knows what he’s doing? DAVE Look at him go, Don’t he look good. ETHEL Yeah he does. DAVE Watch behind ya. BILL That’s the one - Have ‘im DAVE Careful BILL He’s very graceful ETHEL Oh my. Wow. What is he on? BILL Can I have some JASON STATHAM When the hurly-burly's done, When the battle's lost and won. Go on Carl, Give it some my son. Sound of Carl thrusting into the The Vikings. JASON STATHAM Axes bounce off his chest DAVE Or get caught in his vest ETHEL He’s impeccably dressed BILL And he’s got more swerve than Georgie Best. BILL, DAVE, ET~HEL & JASON STATHAM What is He On? Can I have some? What is He On? Can I have some? What is He On. Can I have some? What is He On? Can I have some? ETHEL Welcome home Carl. CARL That turned out quite well didn’t it?
16.
THE MISSUS Bill! Can you hear me. BILL? BILL Yeah yeah, I’m here. I’m here don’t worry. THE MISSUS When are you going to grow up? BILL Oh hello love. No I won't be long - I'm with Dave and Carl, we are… THE MISSUS Every time you go out with Dave and Carl…… (exasperated sigh) BILL I thought you liked them THE MISSUS Please don’t be late tonight Billy. Not tonight O.K.? BILL I... I... Well.. Not long but you know what The Blackwall Tunnel’s like. THE MISSUS You do know that tonight is a very very special night don’t you Bill? BILL Definitely, I’m on it. Well, You know I would never let you down. THE MISSUS Let me down? You don’t clear up your dirty washing. When are you going to start ironing and walking the dog and go to work? BILL I’m Self Employed! THE MISSUS When are you going to grow up? The lawn needs moving and the towels need folding And no more excuses Bill! BILL Y’got me there Y’got me there I won’t do it again I promise I swear I never should have said I had nothing to declare You really got me there. Y’got me there Y’got me there I know I’m not perfect. What you’re saying is fair. You got me bang to rights yeah? You really got me there. THE MISSUS When are you going to grow up? BILL You really got me there THE MISSUS 20 years... BILL Well alright, you’ve got a point.. THE MISSUS Mm hm.. BILL I made a few mistakes THE MISSUS A few? BILL Fair enough. I’ll come home and we’ll have a quiet night in. THE MISSUS Ahh.. That would be nice BILL …Watch The Great British Bake Off THE MISSUS Oh Lovely… BILL And maybe THE MISSUS What? (Suspiciously) BILL Y’know… bake a cake THE MISSUS Yes! BILL If you know what I mean THE MISSUS mmm… I think I do. (Giggles) BILL Love you - see you later THE MISSUS Can’t wait…
17.
My old mum Was a martyr to her back She had to spend too many hours Lying in the sack But she always had time For me and our Jack There was a teacher at our school Who tried it on and more And when our mother found out She gave him what what for She delivered a backhander And that teacher got shown the door If one of us was hurt She'd hold us to her skirt She's stroke our hair and we would always let her We'd stop making a fuss As she would say to us "Come here son let me kiss it better" Kiss it better, kiss it better That's what we always heard her say Kiss it better I'll kiss it better Ill make all the bad things go away Kiss it better, kiss it better Don't worry nan, close your eyes Kiss it better, Ill kiss it better I love you, but it's time to say goodbye I love you nan Kiss it better, kiss it better That' s what I'll always hear her say Kiss it better, I'll kiss it better I'll make all the bad things go away I'll make all the bad things go away
18.
Whitstable 03:21
FREYA Oh look, isn’t that lovely: Ethel and Carl. She deserves a bit of fun, bless her. ODIN Indeed my sweet, it is a wise man that understands the power of surrendering to a higher power. FREYA Oh my love, I really got lucky when I stumbled into you. (laughter and a kiss) ODIN And now we have much to prepare and look forward to. FREYA We do? ODIN Why, yes, with our new found freedom from the shackles of warring, we now have the opportunity to relax, to live life on our terms. Perhaps connect with old friends and family. FREYA Are sure you want to do that? Your family can be a bit... ODIN We can pursue fresh dreams, new goals. There are many new challenges ahead as we now grow old together. FREYA Really? What like aches and pains and mobility scooters? ODIN No, no, my love, growing old is not what it was. With the societal changes and shifts of the last few decades, the elderly population of the UK alone, now matches the numbers of teenagers. FREYA So lots of old people, is what you are saying. ODIN Yes, but there is much to enjoy beyond our working years. I was thinking we might move to the coast. FREYA The coast? ODIN I feel the call of The Air... and the B and the B... FREYA Where? ODIN Whitstable Say Whitstable Incredible - a spectacle The people are hospitable Their love, unconditional Whitstable Say Whitstable I hear the beer is drinkable To leave would be unthinkable Whitstable FREYA Are you sure Odin my love? ODIN Whitstable has been home to many famous people Peter Cushing, Henry Kissinger, Russ Conway Even Matt Percival has been spotted on several occasions George Orwell visited Whitstable Harbour’s first Mermaid Brothel The Happy Finnish It closed ironically in 1984. FREYA I never knew that... ODIN Whitstable Say Whitstable It’s mystical, biblical The women are dependable FREYA The men delectable ODIN Whitstable Say Whitstable The joy you feel perpetual FREYA To leave would be unthinkable Whitstable. FREYA If you are happy I am happy my love. Let’s ride.
19.
Take It Easy 01:41
Take it easy It's rough out there Take it Easy You better beware Take it easy It's rough out there Take it Easy You better beware Well it's a big bad world Yes it's big bad and cold It's a big bad world It's a BAD BAD It's a big bad world but it doesn't have to be What we need is more love and unity Love Me say that is what we need Love We don't want no hate we don't want no greed Live We can't live without love Love is what we need it's a blessing from above Take it easy It's rough out there Take it Easy You better beware Take it easy It's rough out there Take it Easy You better beware Love Live Love Live Love Live Love Live Take it easy
20.
DAVE Jason!Jason! Jason! Statham! JASON STATHAM Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. And some have greatness shoved down their throat. JASON STATHAM (Sings) I’m Micheal Caine, Daniel Craig, Ray Winstone rolled into one I’d have Jude Law for breakfast Then Orlando Bloom for my lunch I’m hard as nails and make the women go weak at the knees BILL, DAVE & CARL On land and sea we all agree that he's a right tasty geezer Jaaaasuun, JASON STATHAM From market stall to martial arts BILL, DAVE & CARL Jaaaasuun, He really is different class Staaaatham JASON STATHAM I’d watch y’self if you’re a grass. To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, that you can give these slags a right good kicking. BILL, DAVE & CARL Cars and cash and guns and birds. Cars and cash and guns and birds. Cars and cash and guns and birds.
21.
MO Ok People time to go home. Just one more Alright then - just one more. Men With Ven -Driving From Barking To Deptford Driving all the way from Barking To Deptford All the dark clouds and mysterious things all around Lord in his mercy - wanna tell 'in say... Bill, Dave & Carl. Seven times rise. Seven times fall. I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl All for one and a one for all BIILL Not far to go - gotta stay calm Gloria is our good luck charm Ready for a pint at The Pelton Arms Driving from Barking to Deptford MO Bill, Dave & Carl. Seven times rise. Seven times fall. I’m talking ‘bout Bill, Dave & Carl Life well that largely violence filth and death and drink and standing up for your bredren...

about

Songs from the long form musical Driving From Barking To Deptford by Men With Ven.

The story of three men and their van driving from Barking to Deptford.
They meet their Nemesis in the Blackwall Tunnel and find enlightenment as they cross The Greenwich Meridian.

Bill, Dave and Carl do odd jobs with varying degrees of legality in the East London area.
They are unwittingly co-opted by a 9th century nun (St Ethelberga) & a Viking goddess (Freya), to fight a battle of epic proportions in The Blackwall Tunnel.

On their way they encounter a pie and mash shop that doubles as a multi-faith religious centre, a time traveller who lost his licence for “Inter-Species Infractions”, Julius Ceasar, Jason Statham. and Bill’s missus.

It’s a bit like The Odyssey except it starts in Barking and ends in Deptford.
Oh, and it’s a musical.

Chapter 1: The Spotted Dog
Chapter 2: The Pie & Mash Interfaith Meeting
Chapter 3: Sic Transit Gloria
Chapter 4: Jason Statham
Chapter 5: Breaking The Curse
Chapter 6: The Dave
Chapter 7: The Cuddle

credits

released April 3, 2018

A Men With Ven production.

Men With Ven are Bill Clift, David Barratt & Carl Marsh
Produced and arranged by David Barratt.
Everything sung or played by MWV unless stated.
Songs by Men With Ven.

Additional Songwriters - Bryn Burrows, Neville Farmer, Terry Radigan, & Papa Dee.

Driving From Barking To Deptford was recorded at The Abattoir Of Good Taste in Barking, Deptford, Birmingham, Stockholm, Bangkok, New York and Whitstable in 3D Vensound.

Bill -Bill Clift
Dave - Shane Attwooll
Carl - Mark Arden
Ethel/Ethelburga - Kerry Enright
Frieda/Freya - Sarah Lonton
Viv/Vivien/Gloria and The Parrot - Fenella Fudge
The Narrator - Amanda Homi.
The Missus - Anita Dobson.
Jason Statham was played...
Spaceman Jack - Roy Harter.
Odin - Christopher Brand.
Barry The Burglar - Nick Wilton.
TV Announcer - Daniel Norcross.
Imam Amir - Aatiff Nawaz.
Chance - Kenyon Phillips.
Sir Mortimer Planno - Daniel Whalgren.
The Dave - Dave MacDonnald.
The Carpet Salesman - Steve Graham.
Julius Ceasar - Ron Emslie.
Carl’s Mum - Liza Marsh.
Cindy Wachowski - Fiona Foster.
Children’s Choir - Lyla Attwooll.
The Archbishop and Oddman - David Barratt.
The Vikings were played by John Rogers and Harry Feeney-Barratt.

Additional musicians & singers - Bryn Burrows, Justin Mitchell, Jenny Woodall, John Woodall, Isobel Kimberley, Gary Schreiner, Neville Farmer, Jody Porter, Ava Attwooll, Geoff Wooley, Ronnie Rumball, Kat Parker, Phil Johnstone, Poonam Gupte, Terry Radigan & Papa Dee.

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Men With Ven London, UK

Three men and nearly as many chords, on the road from Barking to Deptford. Telling it the way it is, in pubs and markets, treading the highway and the sticky carpet.

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