Men With Ven

by Men With Ven

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about

Three men and nearly as many chords, on the road from Barking to Deptford.

Telling it the way it is, in pubs and markets, treading the highway and the sticky carpet.

credits

released March 24, 2014

Produced by David Barratt at The Abattoir Of Good Taste

Written and performed by Barratt, Clift & Marsh

Logo design: Gary Brady

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all rights reserved

about

Men With Ven London, UK

Welcome to the apocalyptic knees up at the end of the world.

Three men and nearly as many chords, on the road from Barking to Deptford. Telling it the way it is, in pubs and markets, treading the highway and the sticky carpet.

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Track Name: I Can Do That
What exactly do you do for a living?

Well... I've been know to do
Some painting, decorating, bricklaying
Dog training and Wedding DJing..

Welding, gelding, fencing
I've even carried stuff for Sherpa Tenzing

I've been a farmer, a snake charmer
Bill wrote a lesson for the Dalai Lama

Carl's qualified in cod psychology
And I can turn my hand to gynocology

A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker
An overachiever as an undertaker

Personal services, assisted showers
Fact creation 24 hours

A little bit of this
A little bit of that
I don't charge much
And I won't charge VAT
Tell me what you want and I'll change me hat
I've been there, I've done it
I tell ya...
I can do that

I can do that.
Just cash, just cash.
Don't mention anything to the tax man
And don't write anything down
I can do that, a little bit of this, a little bit of that
Turn me hand to anything really
Alright then

I've been a gigolo for Kate Bigelow (nice)
An understudy baritone in Figaro

I fixed a football match, a fridge and a car.
We once ran the bar at a bar mitzvah,

A lorry driver and a diver for pearls
I taught the Dagenham Girl Pipers how to do their twirls

I sold a skip load of make up to Katie Price
Some wholesale pharmacy... did that twice

I've been a goody, a baddy
Trevino's caddy
Ask me nicely
And I'll be your daddy

Bespoke bicycle and boiler repair
And if you don't pay Our Bill...
You'll get hospice care

A little bit of this
A little bit of that
I don't charge much
And I won't charge VAT
Tell me what you want and I'll change me hat
I've been there, I've done it
I tell ya...
I can do that

Rumour has it that times are hard
But I say
It's simple economic theory
Like that bloke Milton Keynes says
Somthing'll turn up

But my ultimate ambition
What I want to do most of all
Is to do nothing at all
like our good friend Matt Percival
Track Name: Beautiful Morning
Wakey wakey...

What a beautiful morning
What a beautiful day
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready come what may
(Lets be havin' ya)

I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face
(Oh yeah)
I'm guessing last night was a proper disgrace
(As If you can remember)
My keys and phone and money are in some other place
But I'm still feeling fine

What a beautiful morning
(Iit's lovely)
What a beautiful day
(So beautiful)
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready come what may
(Get up get up get up)
What a beautiful morning
What a beautiful day
(One of the best)
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready come what may
(Of course you are)

I'm feeling pretty chipper after all that I've done
(oh yeah)
I slip out of the shadows and step into the sun
(mmmm... warming up warming up)
I could have a fry up and then go for a run
(Nice!)
It's such a perfect day

What a beautiful morning
(Perfect)
What a beautiful day
(Gorgeous)
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready come what may
(Yeah)
What a beautiful morning
What a beautiful day
(Its a treat)
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready come what may

(Lets go then lets make the most of it)

(Hotter and and hotter, here we go)

I've wasted all my time, spent all my money
They say its no joke but I still think it's funny
It all feels better when the weather is sunny
So I'll be on my way

What a beautiful morning
What a beautiful day
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready come what may
What a beautiful morning
What a beautiful day
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready come what may

(It's a lovely day)
What a beautiful morning
(It's a lovely day)
Come what may
(It's a lovely day)
What a beautiful morning
(It's a lovely day)
Come what may
Track Name: Deptford Market
The shopping destination for the discerning customer….

We’re going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Leave the van
Theres nowhere left to park it
They’re rolling out the carpet
So come and fill your basket
Bring your nan
We’re going Deptford Market

Car parts, Chicken hearts
Golf clubs and lightweight darts
Mobile phones, dinosaur bones
A duffle coat and some Ice cream cones

A pound of greens, An ounce of hash
A cock, a balaclava and some bangers and mash 
For your gran  - a bottle of sherry
And four moody tickets to Glastonbury

A cricket bat, a burmese cat
Rolex watches and a cowboy hat
Furry handcuffs, bunting, shrubs
Henry Cooper’s boxing gloves

We’re going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Leave the van
Theres nowhere left to park it
They’re rolling out the carpet
So come and fill your basket
Bring your nan
We’re going Deptford Market

A plasma telly, a balsa wood glider
Particles from The Hadron Collider
Dirty pictures of Taylor Swift
In congress with Billy Clift

Baked beans, fruit machines
A brand new reconditioned M16
Mangos and pears and nanny goats
Slightly used ten pound notes

Prayer rugs and Royal Wedding Mugs
A lovely pair of Toby Jugs
Tiddlywinks and cava, full strength lager
A jar of piccalilli and shoes by Prada

We’re going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Leave the van
Theres nowhere left to park it
They’re rolling out the carpet
So come and fill your basket
Bring your nan
We’re going Deptford Market

La la la la la…..

Zip drives, Stanley knives
DVD's of Dave's ex-wives
Rubber ducks, pork chops, Dental floss
All kinds of chrimatistikos 
Lexapro, Diazepam 
Klonopin, Ativan
Frigidare, a dancing bear
A pair of Carl's old underwear
Culture
In a petri dish
Funny looking frozen one pound fish
Sugar puffs and wing nuts, 
Fisticuff and haircuts
Come pick up a bargain
Down here!

We’re going Deptford Market
You ain’t seen nothing like it
Leave the van
Theres nowhere left to park it
They’re rolling out the carpet
So come and fill your basket
Bring your nan
We’re going Deptford Market

La la la la la la....

We're all going mental
Just so you know, we're Men With Ven

.... Westfield my hairy arse
Track Name: Kiss It Better
My old mum
Was a martyr to her back
She had to spend too many hours
Lying in the sack
But she always had time
For me and our Jack

There was a teacher at our school
Who tried it on and more
And when our mother found out
She gave him what what for
She delivered a backhander
And that teacher got shown the door

If one of us was hurt
She'd hold us to her skirt
She's stroke our hair and we would always let her
We'd stop making a fuss
As she would say to us
"Come here son let me kiss it better"

Kiss it better, kiss it better
That's what we always heard her say
Kiss it better I'll kiss it better
Ill make all the bad things go away

Time passes quickly
Now I've got a girl and a son
My daughter's called called Chloe 
She's the image of my mum
But Mum was getting older
And the doctors told us she didn't have long

And as mum was about to go
Chloe seemed to know
She held her tight and she caressed her 
Chloe took her by the hand 
And said" It's ok nan
It's my turn now to kiss it better"

Kiss it better, kiss it better
Don't worry nan, close your eyes 
Kiss it better, Ill kiss it better
I love you, but it's time to say goodbye

I love you nan

Kiss it better, kiss it better
That' s what I'll always hear her say
Kiss it better, I'll kiss it better
I'll make all the bad things go away
I'll make all the bad things go away
Track Name: Jason Statham
Jaaaasuun, Jaaaasuun, Jaaaasuun...
Sta - Tham

He's Micheal Caine, Daniel Craig, Ray Winstone rolled into one
He'd have Jude Law for breakfast then Orlando Bloom for his lunch
He's hard as nails and make the women go weak at the knees
On land and sea they all agree: he's a right tasty geezer

Jaaaasuun,
From market stall to martial arts
Staaaathuuum,
He really is different class

Lock Stock, Revolver, The Expendables and Killer Elite
Cars and cash and guns and birds
Snatch and Crank, The Mechanic, Transporter I, II & III
Cars and cash and guns and birds
Cars and cash

Jaaaasuun,
From market stall to martial arts
Jaaaasuun,
He really is different class
Staaaathuuum,
I'd watch y'self if you're a grass

Turkish, Christmas, Bacon, Green, Handsome Rob are some of his names
Martin Crawford, Leather, Chev Chelios & Jensen Ames
But it don't really matter what he's called cos he always acts the same
And I must admit that his American accent is a tiny bit lame

Jay - Sun
Cars and cash and guns and birds
Sta - Tham
Cars and cash and guns and birds
Track Name: The Power Of The Conga
When Dunga went to Tonga
He mislaid his wonga
He lost the plot
When he lost the lot

Somewhere in his madness
He threw away his sadness
And he is sad no longer
Coz he discovered Conga

The power of the Conga
The power of the Conga
It's good for you, it's good for me
The power of the Conga
Everybody Conga
Over land and over sea

World Cup winner Dunga
Felt the calling of Conga
He sold his yacht in Rio
And bought a flat in Onger

He did it with Jane Fonda
In the back of his old Honda
He usually likes 'em blonder
But hey it was Jane Fonda

The power of the Conga
The power of the Conga
It's good for you, it's good for me
The power of the Conga
Everybody Conga
Over land and over sea

You don’t have to buy it lady
You don’t have to buy it … It’s free!

Dunga sang this song
Dancing in his thong
His muisses thought he wronged her
Couldn't  take it any longer

She took up King Kong
Who was marginally longer.  
So Dunga smoked a bong 
And went dancing to the Conga

The power of the Conga
The power of the Conga
It's good for you, it's good for me
The power of the Conga
Everybody Conga
Over land and over sea
Track Name: The Missus
The church bells rang
The choir sang
And I I swear my heart went bang
Then the vicar said...
She was The Missus
I looked at her
She looked at me
I knew right away she would always be
Undeniably... The Missus

To have and to hold
Until we both grow old
She will always be... The Missus

Through indiscretions
and reposesions
and the odd counciling session
She has never stopped being The Missus

For richer for poorer
I'll always adore her
I love her
She is The Missus

Till death do us part
She'll always have me heart
I there's one thing I'm sure of
This is

She always was
She'll always be
A part of me
Eternally
I can guarentee
Forever the The Missus

Yeah she's The Missus
She''ll never stop being The Missus
Track Name: Special Brew
I get my medication from a gold can
Made by a Danish man
I’ve been drinking it for most of my life span
It’s much better than
All the other stuff I’ve pissed down the pan

I hear the implication that it’s bad news
But that can’t be true
It’s been helping me with everything that I’ve been through
So here’s what you do
Join the Men With Ven

Cheers everybody, everybody got a cold one
Watch me now ‘cos I’m gonna pop a gold one
Special Brew
Special Brew

Some people get embarrassed when they’re buying it
Feel like a sleazy git
It doesn’t even bother me a tiny bit
I do as I see fit
I’m not gonna stop now the fuse is lit

I’ve enjoyed a bit of what you might call rock ‘n’ roll
It helps to feed the soul
People do a lot of things to feel whole
But the truth be told
Nothing is quite as good as gold

Cheers everybody, everybody got a cold one
Watch me now ‘cos I’m gonna pop a gold one
Special Brew
Special Brew

Cheers everybody, everybody got a cold one
Watch me now ‘cos I’m gonna pop a gold one
Special Brew
Special Brew

De forbandede Englændere!
Vi ved jo godt at de drikker hvad som helst for at blive fulde.
Hvorfor holder de sig ikke til deres eget lunkne øl!
Export øl?
For pokker da!!!
Vores Tuborg og Carlsberg skal da nydes af folk der ved hvordan og hvad man drikker.
Engelske fulderikker

Those damned English(men)!
We know (that) they will drink anything to get drunk.
Why don't they stick to their own tepid beer!
Export lager?
Our Tuborg and Carlsberg should be enjoyed by people who know how and what to drink.
English drunkards.

(Spitting sound)

Cheers everybody, everybody got a cold one
Watch me now ‘cos I’m gonna pop a gold one
Special Brew
Special Brew

Cheers everybody, everybody got a cold one
Watch me now ‘cos I’m gonna pop a gold one
Special Brew
Special Brew
Track Name: String 'Em Up Pt1
Crack dealers, Car stealers,
Hoodie wearers , faith healers,
Jonathan & Diana Ross,
Kiss me Kate & Stirling Moss

Gary Lineker, Imran Khan
The President of Uzbekistan
George Clooney, Wayne Rooney
Alan Bennett ..... What a looney

Enoch & Baden Powell,
Peggy Ashcroft - dirty cow
Tracy Beaker & Pol Pot -
tell me who else have we got

We've got Ving Rhames, Sid James ,
Rappers with stupid names
Sherlock Holmes, Garden gnomes,
Catherine Zeta Fucking Jones

String 'em up, String 'em up
String 'em up, String 'em up

Amy Winehouse, PJ Harvey
Lily Allen, Marcus Garvey
Spikey, pikey cider drinkers.
Red Rum in his blinkers

Shilpa Shetty, Ugly Betty
Ren & Stimpy, John Paul Getty
Welsh, English, Irish Scots
Bring 'em 'ere string up the lot

String 'em up, String 'em up
String 'em up, String 'em up

Billy & Melvyn Bragg,
Jeramy Paxman, Fat Slags
Janet Street Porter, Stalin's daughter,
Shakespeare's sister Leeds supporters

Pope John Paul, George, & ringo
Slag and chavs playing bingo
Adolf Hitler Mel & Kim
But not Matt Percival - we like 'im

Imams, rabbis, vicars and priests
Anyone who's got false teeth
Matt Groening, Michael Palin,
Anyone that is into sailing

Cockneys, Scousers, Geordies, Mancs
Ian & Tony & Gordon Banks
Dot Cotton Johnny Rotten
Loads of people we've forgotten

String 'em up, String 'em up
String 'em up, String 'em up
Track Name: What Is He On?
Geezer!
He glows in dark
Geezer!
He swims like a shark
Geezer!
Always up for a lark
And he don’t need a suit like Tony Stark

Geezer!
He’s impeccably dressed
Geezer!
Bullet’s bounce off his chest
Geezer!
Or get caught in his vest
and he’s got more swerve than Georgie Best

What is he on?
Can I have some?
What is he on?
Can I have some?

Geezer!
He can eat vindaloo
Geezer!
He’s really good Kung Fu
Geezer!
I’m not better than you
But I’ll give it a go if you want me to

What is he on?
Can I have some?
What is he on?
Can I have some?
Track Name: Marijuana And Bacon
I'm Starving!

Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Pork's what y' need when you smoke that weed

Marijuana, or more specifically it's active ingredient - Tetrahydrocannabinol - has a well documented tendency to stimulate hunger.
And while scientists have tried to trace this property to Cannabinoid receptors in the brain, they have had little understanding of the neurol circuitry underlying this effect.
The body, it seems, contains specialised proteins called Cannabinoid Receptors.

Isn't that amazing?

Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Pork's what y' need when you smoke that weed

Endocannabinoids and cannabinoid receptors are abundant in the Hypothalamus - the reigon of the brain that plays a pivotal role in appetite regulation. 1n 1992 researchers identified the first endocannabinoid and named it Anandamide from the Sanskrit - Ananda - meaning "inner bliss".
So.. when you smoke dope you are replicating an effect the body does naturally... Wow!

Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Marijuana And Bacon
Pork's what y' need when you smoke that weed
Track Name: All Together Now
One two three four
Can I have a little more?
five six seven eight nine ten
I love you

A B C D
Get your big arse cross my knee
E F G H I J
I love you

Bom bom bom, bompa bom
Get ‘em in, bompa bom
Chop ‘em out, bompa bom
Get ‘em off, bompa bom
Look at me

All together now
(All together now)
All together now
(All together now)

Eins, zwei, drew, vier
Can I have a lager beer?
Rose, brune, orange and bleu
I love yer

All together now
(All together now)
All together now
(All together now)

Bom bom bom, bompa bom
Take a trip, bompa bom
Ecstasy, bompa bom
Dirty cow, SHUT YER MOUTH,
bompa bom
Look at me

All together now
(All together now)
All together now
(All together now)
Track Name: Kiss It Better (full length version)
My old mum
Was a martyr to her back
She had to spend too many hours
Lying in the sack
But she always had time
For me and our Jack

There was a teacher at our school
Who tried it on and more
When our mother found out
She gave him what what for
She delivered a backhander
And that teacher got shown the door

If one of us was hurt
She'd hold us to her skirt
She's stroke our hair and we would always let her
We'd stop making a fuss
As she would say to us
"Come here son let me kiss it better"

Kiss it better, kiss it better
That's what we always heard her say
Kiss it better I'll kiss it better
Ill make all the bad things go away

Well me and Jack we grew up
And Jack went off to war
He won a bunch  of medals
But he brought back so much more
He could never talk about
The awful things that he saw

At night I'd hear him scream
From the horrors of his dreams
And mum would run to him and hold him tight
She'd hold on to her son
Until the sun would come
And the nightmares would fade into the light

Kiss it better, kiss it better
That' s what we always heard her say
Kiss it better Ill kiss it better
Ill make all the bad things go away

Time passes quickly
Now I've got a girl and a son
My daughter's called called Chloe 
She's the image of my mum
But Mum was getting older
And the doctors told us she didn't have long

And as mum was about to go
Chloe seemed to know
She held her tight and she caressed her 
Chloe took her by the hand 
And said" It's ok nan
It's my turn now to kiss it better"

Kiss it better, kiss it better
Don't worry nan, close your eyes 
Kiss it better, Ill kiss it better
I love you, but it's time to say goodbye

I love you nan

Kiss it better, kiss it better
That' s what I'll always hear her say
Kiss it better, I'll kiss it better
I'll make all the bad things go away
I'll make all the bad things go away